Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
