i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
