If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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