Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
