Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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