It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
