I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
