it's like iHOP with fire
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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