I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
