Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
