If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
