the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
