Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
