Pants 0. Shit 1.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Terrible idea I love it
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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