The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
