Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
