i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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