Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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