If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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