she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
