how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
