if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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