Got a toothbrush?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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