i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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