Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just invented taco cereal.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
