Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
