I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
