She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
