She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
