just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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