It's Friday. Sex?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
