Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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