woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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