I think i peed on brittanys purse
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
