I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
