recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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