Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
