woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
