so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
