forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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