All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
