you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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