I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
