I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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