She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
