I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
