you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you had me at cake vodka
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
