you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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