You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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