How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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