I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
