If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
