I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
sex in a hospital.. check
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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