went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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