The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
