totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
